Better is One Day...

I remember being in a deep, dark pit about two years ago and continuing to be in that spot for about a solid year and a half-- a year and a half of darkness, isolation, and despair. I felt so hopeless. I felt like there was no other path than to just end my life. I isolated myself from everyone that loved me, including God. I wanted an escape. I wanted to escape God, escape my friends, escape my family, because they just couldn't take the pain away...the way I wanted them to, at least.

During this time, I was going to counseling sessions and taking different meds to try to help. I actually thought that was going to be the cure. I could just take a pill and talk to someone, and soon the pain would go away; but I soon found out that wasn't the case. I was constantly seeking out relief, only nothing was working.

One day, I found some Scripture while I was reading a devotional of mine:

"Where can I go to escape your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, you are there. If I live at the eastern horizon or settle at the western limits, even there your hand will lead me; your right hand will hold on to me." - Psalm 139: 7-10

I've never felt so seen in my life. This is how I actually felt. Somebody finally understood (kind of comical it was God all along ;) ). I wanted to escape the presence of God, because the one person everyone said could take away this pain (Jesus), wasn't taking it away. So, I was mad at him. I was mad, sad, hopeless. I just wanted to be done. I was so done with God, even though the answer was always him. He just wasn't answering my cry for help the way I wanted him to.

"The answer was always Him."

There is hope, my friends. And trust me, I know the feeling of not being able to believe those words, because just yesterday I was back in the pit. Depression is not just a quick fix. It's a lifelong journey for many. So, I want to give you some hope in whatever situation you face-- in whatever your "pit" looks like.

I read a book called "I love Jesus, but I want to die," and it led me to the song called "Better is One Day"

"Better is one day in your courts,better is one day in your house, better is one day in your courts, than thousands elsewhere."

"There's no other place we'd rather be, than right here with you."

Better is one day, my friends...better is one day-- in HIS courts, than a thousand elsewhere.

I then chose to read those Scriptures, read those lyrics, and read those books that God was planting in my heart. The climb, to get out of the pit, sure isn't easy, but it's possible. There is hope. There is a little "fork in the road" where you absolutely can stop and see the options of life and death. I chose life-- over and over again I chose life, and I hope I continue to do so. I hope you continue to do so, too. You are so loved, my friend. Please, if any of this resonates with you or goes through your mind-- thoughts of death, wanting to escape Jesus, feeling like no one understands-- please go to my contact page and send me an email.

Keep fighting, my friend.

Love,

J <3